I’m thinking over and over again about the men and women which try to find their’s spouses for the rest of their short lives and I’m kinda troubled about this idea. My parents are trying harder and harder to make me marry someone and have kinds, but it’s not up to them which way I choose for myself.
Also the society is pushing everyone to follow this path: grow, study, get a job, marry someone and have kids. It doesn’t matter they are not aware of what’s in your soul or what are your desires for your life. You must obey and do what others do. Just go with the flow and be ordinary.
I’m not saying this is bad. As Ryan Holiday stated in one of his articles, people with kids had all the fun which he was missing and found out about it many years later:
“I used to see people in restaurants with kids and sort of pity them. The other day I was in a restaurant with my kid, having a great time and then I realized: Shit, these people have been having all the fun. I was the one being an idiot. Obviously I would like to live until I’m 90 so I can spend as many years as possible with my son, but as Paul Kalanithi says in When Breath Becomes Air, every minute you do have is a blessing and comfort.”
But at this point I believe I am not ready for this step. Maybe I will never be ready for this step, I don’t know. And I think this because I still have to be financially secure, to be sure about this step/decision and to have no doubt about choosing the right person for the rest of my life. Because when I commit to something I tend to keep my word and not to step aside at first sign of weakness.
Today, of all the other days, I feel very insecure and not wishing to continue with a relationship which leads to nowhere since it seems we’re wasting each other’s time. We are not allowing each other to live a happy life because we’re stuck in a situation which doesn’t lead anywhere.
When I’m thinking about the person next to me, I’m thinking about someone who can understand me and who knows all my smallest thoughts. And in my situation this is not the case. I wish it could’ve been a different case.
Also, I want that my better half to push me forward and to make me want more from myself, to make me a better person and to make me overcome my limits/barriers, while now I feel I don’t evolve. I want to be challenged in every step I make, to do better day after day as it was a few years ago. And I’m not saying this is all about me because this approach must run both ways. We have to drag both of us it one direction for a relationship to succeed.
I don’t know if this is the right way to think or not, but I believe if there are doubts about a relationship in one’s mind, there shouldn’t be a relationship at all, even if we have a long past full of memories that connects us. And it’s not that I don’t want to fight for it because I fought for too long and nothing have changed even if I wanted to change myself and my thoughts.
We are all different and have our own expectations. Maybe is the youth or the desire of freedom and being independent. But in the same time is about spending quality time together and working harder and harder for the better. I’m thinking a break-up it’s not an easy thing since it hit me a few times until now and it felt like shit, but I believe we need to be fair with each other and stop it while we’re still young.
Maybe I’m too romantic now and I’m blushing a little bit, but I want to have butterflies in my stomach (they will disappear eventually) and feel the love inside of me each time I’m looking in the eyes of the girl next to me. I want the relationship to be genuine and live every moment as it would be the last one.
I don’t want a relationship for the sake of having a relationship.